Numbness is Emotional Insulation

So, in case anyone out there is wondering what I've been up to, let me lay it out for you.

1) I'm taking a summer statistics class. It's very challenging, because 1) math is not my strongpoint and 2) the rapid pace of the course makes it difficult to remember and truly study all the concepts.

2) I'm living by myself. My Dad has moved out, which means I have the house to myself. It is relaxing, freeing, and lonely simultaneously.

3) I'm out of a job until August.

4) I'm writing again...I added a small amount to my novel-in-progress, but right now I'm leaning more towards poetry. My latest work combines outdoor metaphors with themes of rebellion, spiritual growth and God's everlasting love.

5) I am feeling dead...somewhat exhausted physically but more emotionally dead than anything else. With my Dad's recent marriage yet another life-changing transition has occured at what seems to be regular intervals. I could handle the divorce and my brother moving out and everything else up to this. This was the straw that broke the camel's back, the event that broke through my resilience and is leading me to believe that change is inevitable and should not be resented or fought. Problem is, I am now replacing that previous resilience with a deadening numbness designed to insulate me from any pain inflicted by future changes. I'm guessing it is a psychological defense mechanism, but I don't know how to confront it. I don't want to be numb-I doubt anyone really does. But neither do I want to be vulnerable to the pain caused by these changes.

I've prayed about it, but I haven't heard an answer yet. I don't know what my next move should be. I know I need to be content where I am at and open myself to the ministering opportunities God has for me here in my hometown and the surrounding area, but my mind can't help but be two months ahead at Illinois State University. I want so badly to enter my first semester there with a heart for the people and a strong connection with God that will enable me to endure the first difficult month, but also, more importantly, to reach out and minister to my classmates there. I want to get heavily involved in the campus life and make a difference for God. There is also an Aikido school that I am very interested in joining.

I guess being here in Harvard without a job and a lot of opportunities for impacting people is grinding my gears a little bit. I'm tapping my foot and looking at the clock and chomping at the bit-I can't wait to get out of this little town and go somewhere where I can be more involved and make a greater impact.

I suppose the moral of the story is patience. I have a feeling god is trying to teach me how to "learn the secret of being content in every situation," like the apostle Paul. Please pray that I can conquer this emotional deadness and have a revived, revitalized, and rejuvenated relationship with God and others. God Bless and keep cool!

Shane

Nothing Surprises Me Anymore...

So, my Dad got married today...I kid you not. At this point, nothing could surprise me anymore. I suppose if I do end up with a career in counseling, it'll be helpful because people can tell me the craziest stuff and I will not be shocked. Lol.

He married the woman who he first dated after the divorce. They had a bad break-up, and I never thought that they would get back together. I hope and pray that they fully commit themselves to God and that He will lead them to serve Him and each other.

As for me, I am currently up at my mother's house in Milwaukee, using her laptop right now as a matter of fact. We browsed through several rummage sales earlier before the rain hit: I got a lamp for three dollars, a box of silverware and other kitchen utensils for a dollar, and a large CD holder for a dollar as well (the ones I currently have are almost completely full-me likey the good tunes. ;-)- Looking for a couch and some odds and ends to furnish the apartment that Joel and I will be sharing this August. I'm turning into a garage sale freak, lol.

So, my Dad's marriage is the biggest development in my life right now. Otherwise, life continues as usual. Oh, I'm slowly plodding through The Brothers Karamazov. Great book.

When I'm away at college I plan to post an entry in this blog at least once a month, to keep all of you updated. I discovered how to export this to my e-mail and facebook. Now, whenever I write a post a copy is automatically delivered to everyone in my e-mail address book and posted on my facebook profile. This pleased me very much; it's very fast and easy compared to sending individual e-mails or facebook messages to everyone. Enjoy this day in spite of the weather and be blessed!

Thoughts to meditate on:

"What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink and find satisfaction in all his toil-this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him."

Shane