About Me

I'm somewhat introverted, I'm a voracious reader, and I love a good conversation. My interests and activities can be found on the right side of the page. My life goal is to use the gifts and talents God has bestowed on me to glorify Him and benefit others.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Numbness is Emotional Insulation

So, in case anyone out there is wondering what I've been up to, let me lay it out for you.

1) I'm taking a summer statistics class. It's very challenging, because 1) math is not my strongpoint and 2) the rapid pace of the course makes it difficult to remember and truly study all the concepts.

2) I'm living by myself. My Dad has moved out, which means I have the house to myself. It is relaxing, freeing, and lonely simultaneously.

3) I'm out of a job until August.

4) I'm writing again...I added a small amount to my novel-in-progress, but right now I'm leaning more towards poetry. My latest work combines outdoor metaphors with themes of rebellion, spiritual growth and God's everlasting love.

5) I am feeling dead...somewhat exhausted physically but more emotionally dead than anything else. With my Dad's recent marriage yet another life-changing transition has occured at what seems to be regular intervals. I could handle the divorce and my brother moving out and everything else up to this. This was the straw that broke the camel's back, the event that broke through my resilience and is leading me to believe that change is inevitable and should not be resented or fought. Problem is, I am now replacing that previous resilience with a deadening numbness designed to insulate me from any pain inflicted by future changes. I'm guessing it is a psychological defense mechanism, but I don't know how to confront it. I don't want to be numb-I doubt anyone really does. But neither do I want to be vulnerable to the pain caused by these changes.

I've prayed about it, but I haven't heard an answer yet. I don't know what my next move should be. I know I need to be content where I am at and open myself to the ministering opportunities God has for me here in my hometown and the surrounding area, but my mind can't help but be two months ahead at Illinois State University. I want so badly to enter my first semester there with a heart for the people and a strong connection with God that will enable me to endure the first difficult month, but also, more importantly, to reach out and minister to my classmates there. I want to get heavily involved in the campus life and make a difference for God. There is also an Aikido school that I am very interested in joining.

I guess being here in Harvard without a job and a lot of opportunities for impacting people is grinding my gears a little bit. I'm tapping my foot and looking at the clock and chomping at the bit-I can't wait to get out of this little town and go somewhere where I can be more involved and make a greater impact.

I suppose the moral of the story is patience. I have a feeling god is trying to teach me how to "learn the secret of being content in every situation," like the apostle Paul. Please pray that I can conquer this emotional deadness and have a revived, revitalized, and rejuvenated relationship with God and others. God Bless and keep cool!


1 comment:

~*~elizabeth said...

May I humbly suggest a remedy? Pray more. Paul says, "Pray without ceasing", so you can't overdo it. It'll help.

"O brothers and sisters, pray; in spite of Satan, pray; spend hours in prayer; rather neglect friends than not pray; rather fast, and lose breakfast, dinner, tea, and supper – and sleep too – than not pray. And we must not talk about prayer, we must pray in right earnest. The Lord is near. He comes softly while the virgins slumber." - Andrew Bonar

As Nike says, "Just do it." I'm preaching to myself as well. Know that I am not accusing you of not praying at all. I'm just challenging you to do it more. Pray with boldness, like a man that has the living God behind him.

Grace to you, and Smile! God is with you.